meeting again

i love you

i'm going to be as serious as i can, save a little sarcasm that we can't do without.

a buttload has gone down since i last blogged. not a lot of it's too pretty, either. i'm actually sitting here rather bummed out at the crappy memories this is dragging up. 

deep breaths

yeah my new apartment is awesome. i'm super comfortable there with my room mate, Liz. i already get annoyed when i can't sleep in my own bed, or be back in time for a show or dinner. it's really come to be "home" this fast.
we moved in July 30 - 31st and began living there Aug. 1st. so a little over a month now. love love love it.

of course there was the drunk guy knocking at my door the second night there. whateverrr.

also, i have experienced some real live heart break since last fall.
        and suddenly i feel like the whole world is reading this and i'm not gonna elaborate. 

but, the best part is: i'm feeling pretty damn good now.


i wish i could say something really wise and awesome. like;

these past few weeks have been monumentally magnanimous to my spiritual growth and through these trials and tribulations i've learned that the best possible way to survive blah blah blah

but you know, it's not my style. i'm not good with words. i can't say exactly whats on my mind because it always sounds lamer out loud. maybe i'm actually a little perfectionistish? huh.

anyways. living on my own (yes yes, its only been a month and a half) has been almost liberating. i'm not going on some hellbent rebellion. i'm not bringing home boys. not getting high. nothing like that. i mean, i finally feel like me. its so much easier to breathe.

i freaking feel like i really love my family when i say it, every time.

friends? um......i have Liz. and my sisters. a couple others. for some reason i lost a bunch. not really sure what happened there. but i guess the ones that really care are the ones sticking around. the ones that actually matter. and i think i've made a couple new ones. we'll see where that goes.

i don't remember what i was originally writing about.

God.

lately been thinking about the fact that He loves me. astounding, as usual. my history with Him is really sketchy. the ups and downs are numerous. my choices have sucked. the consequences have been devastating. but it's really hard for me to blame anyone, because it's obvious i'm the idiot. you know what i mean? you like find this loop hole and try to blame what's happened on the fact that someone unknowingly played a part and before you know it they're the one holding the knife and you're crying in the corner.
but the knife, or deeds, weigh heavily in my hand. what do i do with them?

chuck 'em over the wall. outta sight.

forgive and forget. forgive and forget. genuinely forgive and graciously forget.

am i being too transparent? too bad. this is all you get.

i feel a tiny little empty gap, still. but its so much easier than the yawning deep abyss i felt a month ago.
time really does heal. if time is God. and God, i find, likes to take His time.

someday i want to look back on this part of my life and barely remember it. really. i want it to just be a haze. the only thing i want to remember, is the feeling of this upcoming, almost here, getting closer contentedness.

k i'm done. i've gotten too personal.

see ya.